


I would have loved you

by cabbagetop



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Anakin gets some truths, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Holy Great A'Tuin you guys, Obi-Wan Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan just wanted to be at his kid's wedding, Self-Esteem Issues, What is this amazing thing that is happening in the comment section
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-15 23:59:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14152212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cabbagetop/pseuds/cabbagetop
Summary: He's hurting.  He's tired.  He failed his mission and the war is unending.  He’s reached his limit.  And then along comes Anakin and breaks the camel’s back.Obi-Wan will never run out of unconditional love for his Padawan, but sometimes he just wishes he could have a little bit of love in return.





	I would have loved you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SWModdy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SWModdy/gifts).



> So I've been on a binge of everything that the wonderful SWModdy has ever written, and then this happened...

Coruscant.

It seemed only hours since Obi-Wan had been trying, in an attempt to pass the time, to think of anything he _wouldn’t_ give to see it again so soon.

Now, the sight of his home city only made him feel ill.

Fourteen dead.

Fourteen of Obi-Wan’s clone soldiers dead, dozens wounded, all in one completely unexpected attack.  The Sep outpost the 212th had managed to blockade knew their time was up- but rather than surrender, they’d chosen to go out with a bang.

Literally.

Fourteen clone soldiers dead and dozens wounded when the Sep base raised a flag of cease fire, opened their gates to let the 212th in, then blew up the whole camp with everyone inside.

Anakin’s Force presence moved steadily towards him.  Obi-Wan’s former Padawan had taken Obi-Wan’s own place in the Med Bay, cheering the injured men, when the Master found himself too weak and cowardly to face the soldiers he’d so utterly failed.

The door to the little observation room where Obi-Wan’s hiding slid open, and Anakin’s Force presence enveloped him in an almost tangible warmth. 

“ _There_ you are.  Aren’t you supposed to still be in Med Bay?” Anakin asked.  Obi-Wan could hear the smirk in his voice.  “I’m pretty sure Helix said something about broken ribs, Force exhaustion and bed rest.”

“I’ll visit the Temple healers,” Obi-Wan murmured, hardly listening.  His mind was still focused on turning over fourteen names.

“Riiight, sure you will,” Anakin drawled.  “Well, you’ll have plenty of time.  Have you _seen_ the communications from the Council?”

“There are new ones?”

Anakin laughed and joined Obi-Wan at the window.  “What, don’t tell me that the Jedi poster boy hasn’t checked his comms!”

Obi-Wan sighed.  “Anakin…”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t call you  a ‘poster boy’ unless I want to get kicked across the room again under the guise of ‘sparring.’”  Anakin rolled his eyes.  “Seriously, Obi-Wan, you need to lighten up sometimes.  Anyway, I’m being put on furlough for _two weeks!_   Can you believe it?  What am I supposed to do on Coruscant for two whole weeks?”

“You could always meditate,” Obi-Wan said mildly.  “Rest, relax.  Darn your clothes.”

Anakin scoffed and scrolled down the screen of the data pad he held.  “I don’t see how long you’re being held back.  Probably the same, though, I guess.  Ugh.  Sometimes I just want to go up to those ancient Council members and shake them.  Why am I being stuck planet-side for two weeks?  I mean, it’s not like there’s a war on, or anything!”

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan sighed again.  “You know better than to speak of the Council like that.  They’re doing the best they can.”

Anakin glowered.  “You _always_ say that.  Even when you know I’m right.  Well, I’m not going to just sit back and let them ground me in the Temple while there are battles being fought all over the galaxy, even if you couldn’t care less anymore!”

And suddenly, then, something in Obi-Wan snapped, and he turned sharply from the window to Anakin with a snarl, fists clenched.

“Anakin, I am _tired,”_ he barked.  “My men are injured and dead.  My ship is battered.  I failed my mission for the sake of keeping _some_ of my soldiers alive and now I must defend that choice to the Council and the Senate.  I feel _pain_ in every bone in my body, the Force feels like fire to my mind, and I can’t even _begin_ to remember the last time I slept; and I’m going to spend the next several hours being berated by my Masters and your dear friend, the Chancellor- _after_ which I will probably be sent straight back out to the front lines.  And you want to complain to me about the duration of your furlough?”

Anakin stared at him, wide-eyed, still clutching the data pad in his hands.  Obi-Wan sighed wearily and shook his head.  Whatever had come over him was gone, leaving only shame and tiredness.  He turned away from his former Padawan and headed for the door.  He needed to change into a clean robe before meeting with the Council.

Provided he even still _had_ a robe without bloodstains.

“Obi-Wan…look, I’m sorry.  I wasn’t thinking, okay?”

“You _never_ think!”  Obi-Wan whirled around and advanced on Anakin, his rage newly flaming.  “You spend half your time reminding me that you are a grown man who already knows all there is to learn, and the other half complaining that you’re not given enough support!  It’s as if the entire galaxy is supposed to revolve around _you!_ ”  Obi-Wan was drowning in his anger.  Feelings he’d quietly choked down for so many years came bursting to the surface.  He was so swept away on the swell of it all that he hardly noticed he’d managed to back Anakin up to the wall.  “I cared for you as my own child, and you hated me for not being Qui-Gon.  You grew to knighthood and I loved you as a brother, and you railed that I embarrassed you with my concern.  I acknowledged your adulthood and stepped back to allow you space, and you decided that I had abandoned you!”

“I don’t- I didn’t-“ Anakin stammered, face pale with shock.  His hands were held up protectively between them, still holding the pad.  He was _afraid_ of his old master, Obi-Wan realized suddenly.  And in an instant, the fury was gone, and all he could feel was exhaustion and hurt.

“Just…” Obi-Wan slumped his shoulders and turned away again.  “Enjoy your furlough.  Spend time with your wife.  Know that I care for you, Anakin, but right now, please leave me alone.”

“ _What?!”_

There was a clatter as the data pad dropped to the floor and Anakin seized Obi-Wan’s shoulder tightly with his metal hand, shoving Obi-Wan roughly back into the opposite wall in a mirror of their positions moments before.

“ _What did you say_?!” Anakin snarled.

Obi-Wan sneered.  “Oh, I’m sorry, I _forgot_ that I’m not supposed to know about that.  It does get _so_ difficult to keep track of all the lies and secrets I hold up for you.”

Anakin gripped his shoulder more tightly- painfully, now, as his durasteel fingers dug into the shoulder that had only been re-located mere hours before.  He didn’t look angry, though.  Only…lost, his blue eyes darting across Obi-Wan’s face.  “But…how did you know?”

Obi-Wan laughed harshly.  It sounded as aching as it felt, jarring his sore ribs and dry throat, and full of the hurt he’d been carrying so long.  “What, how did I know that my bonded Padawan had fallen in love?  How did I know that _my ward_ was sneaking out at night?  How did I know that _my brother_ had something that gave him peace and hope in the midst of war?  How did I recognize that Senator Amidala wears something important to Tatooine, _my child’s_ native planet, along with _my Padawan’s braid_?”

A knock sounded on the observation room’s door, and it opened a crack.  “Generals?”  A clone’s voice called.  “We’re preparing for landing.”

Obi-Wan tore himself away from Anakin and strode to the door, throwing it fully open and ignoring the new rips in his robe where Anakin’s durasteel fingertips had mindlessly clung.  “Thank you,” he said to the clone, voice perfectly calm and measured.  “I will join Commander Cody and Captain Rex on the bridge shortly.”

The clone saluted, paused a moment to eye both Jedi warily, and departed.

“Obi-Wan,” Anakin began, but the Master held up a hand to silence him, closing his eyes as he tried- and failed- to release the vicious tightness in his chest into the Force.

“I apologize for my outburst, Anakin.  It was unfair of me.  I know perfectly well that I have never been the Master, family, or friend that you wanted, and your reticence to share your secrets with a person you had no choice in bonding to is perfectly understandable.  I only hope you believe me when I say that, however badly I have failed you, I only ever wished for your health and happiness.  I would have-” Obi-Wan choked and shuddered and, to his mortification and shame, he felt hot tears stinging at the corners of his eyes.  “I would have _loved_ to see you at your wedding,” he whispered.

A hollow silence filled the observation room, and Obi-Wan, eyes blurry with tears, shut the door quietly behind himself as he left.

Anakin’s end of their bond rose slowly in Obi-Wan’s mind with a thick, dark, roiling, _saturating_ fury.  Trembling a little, Obi-Wan hurried to his quarters and drew his mental shields in, blocking his former Padawan out completely.  He checked the time- there were twenty minutes, perhaps, before the ship would be ready for disembarking- turned off his com, curled up on his bed, and let himself cry.


End file.
